Jof

Apr. 28th, 2012 11:37 pm
thulcandran: (Default)
Another Tale from the PPC Cafeteria. This one's the story of how our intrepid team of cooks and foragers managed to wind up with an Enderman as their third partner.

"No, it's cool, see? He added new mobs, new everything. There's even a thingie to grow pumpkins now!"

"Even still, I'm reasonably sure this is abuse of portal technology, Lyn. There's no way you're supposed to use it to portal three days ahead to get the newest Minecraft update."

The human glared at her partner over her shoulder - but only for a moment, lest the night grow dangerous while she turned. "Oh, come on, Mohan. It's just a game! What could possibly go wrong?"

He involuntarily cringed. "Why on EARTH would you say that? Good grief, sometimes I think you're actually trying to make an enemy of the Ironic Overpowers."

Lyn, eyes glued to the screen, shrugged. "Um. Force of habit? Anyway, check this out! Survival, so the meters all work, and --Ah! There's one of the new mobs!" She leaned in, maneuvering carefully towards the tall shape. Its back was turned, so she probably had some time...

Intrigued despite himself, Mohan leaned over her shoulder to look. "Do you know what it is?"

"Nah. I haven't checked the Wiki in ages, been too busy-- here, though, let's look." Her cursor centered on the back of the tall black shape, sparking an immediate reaction-- it whirled, staring at her with luminescent purple eyes. As they watched, the mouth began to gape, and the form shook, emitting smoke in black and purple.

"Ye gods, that's creepy." Mohan took a step back, slipped on one of the cordes, and tripped. "Aaah!"

"You alright?" His partner turned in the chair, glancing over her shoulder-- and then everything happened at once. There was a buzzing, a zap, and a zombieish moaning noise, and both of them screamed.

The eerie black monster - very nearly as tall as Mohan - was now glowering at them from the portal, and moving, rather menacingly, towards Lyn. She leapt out of her chair, taking several steps to put distance between herself and the... Thing, and gibbered noiselessly. Mohan merely stared.

Finally, Lyn managed to find her vocal cords, as she stumbled backwards, and the thing moved closer. Unfortunately, the only thing that she could think of was "AAAAAAH!"

Mohan, thinking slightly more beneficially, grabbed the nearest object - a paperback copy of Anathem, and flung it at the creature's head. It didn't seem to notice. He leapt up, grabbed his partner by the arm, and tugged her towards the RC door. "Let's go!"

Together, they sprinted out of the RC, down the hall, and, aiming in no particular direction, through HQ. After three or four turns and a few minutes of running, Mohan grabbed Lyn's arm to stop her, and turned around. The coast was clear - they seemed to have lost it.



Purple and black smoke first, then the tall thing, leering at them from about ten feet away.

"It can teleport?!"

"Don't talk, just RUN!"

“We can’t outrun something that teleports! How do you kill it?” Mohan flung himself around the next turn, past the Escher room, where purple sparks were already falling.

“You don’t have to run! It’s after me, and it can't follow both of us-- go find someone who’s seen the Wiki from that time period! Or portal to Earth and ask Notch, or something!” Knocking over a Ragweed in haste, Lyn barreled through the next narrow doorway, towards another long stretch of hall. Mohan stopped, nodded, and turned back, running in no particular direction - hopefully, he’d find himself back at the RC, or somewhere helpful.

It wasn’t exactly the RC, but the swinging kitchen doors were unmistakable, and about as close to home as he was likely to get in the middle of an equally unmistakable, twice-cursed and thrice-damned chase scene. Mohan went through them at a sprint, sending a four-foot tower of cast-iron skillets flying across the freshly-waxed floor.

“Who waxes these -- argh -- floors?! Have I stumbled unwitting inGAH-- to a Benny Hill sketch?” Mohan swore, shouted, and slid over another ten feet, among the clatter of innumerable pots, pans, woks, and, inexplicably, several iron helmets.

“...Er, hi?”

Mohan blinked. “Hi.” He pushed off the floor and stared down at the agent. After a moment to keep himself from exploding, he spoke. “I ask this with, you realize, great care and no wish for any sort of dangerous and violent misunderstandings. Now. Since we're clear--” He paused for a moment, took a deep breath, and did not quite bellow so much as roar-- “What in the nine hells are you doing in my kitchen?”

Cadmar looked around. “Eating,” she replied, after a brief pause.

The tall Cafeteria worker opened his mouth, took a deep breath, and closed it. More important things, he reminded himself. “I don’t... but you. I.” With another deep breath, he closed his eyes, counted to ten, and managed to stop glaring at the agent. “Do you play Minecraft?”

She blinked. “Yes...”

“Excellent! You may redeem yourself yet. How do you stop the... tall... black... portal-monsters?”

Rolling her eyes, Cadmar reached down to retrieve her cleaver and sandwich, and took a bite before responding. Mohan fought the urge to strangle her. Agents, he recalled, did not react well to threats. At all.

“They’re called Endermen, first off,” she said around a mouthful of meat and bread, “And you can either kill them - which is hard, since they teleport away from danger - or put on a pumpkin.”

He stared. “A pumpkin.”

Cadmar swallowed and glared at him. “That’s what I said, isn’t it?”

“The deadliest monster in the game so far--”

“--That’s debatable--”

“And you can stop it with a pumpkin.” Mohan took a deep breath, cursed his partner, her games, the agent, her sandwich, and the maker of this infernal universe, wherever they were.

(Somewhere in Finland, a single slice of toast popped up inexplicably burnt.)

Then, setting aside the insanity of his situation, he moved around the agent, carefully out of cleaver-reach, and headed for the pantry, at a slightly less dangerous pace. Cadmar raised an eyebrow, shrugged, grabbed the other half of the sandwich, which had been knocked out of direct eyesight (fortunately) by the collision, and wandered back out into HQ, munching.

Elsewhere in HQ...

“Ohgodohgodohghodohgod I don’t even-- AAAH” Lyn dove under the outstretched arm of the monster, rolled past the Bleepka fountain, and sprang up to continue running. The creature lumbered after her, making ominous noises. “Mohan you had better, I don’t, this is...”

“Lyn!” A long, furry arm snaked out from a doorway, grabbed her by the scruff of her neck, and yanked. “Quick, put this over your head!”

She stared at the object, then back at her partner. “Mohan, have you lost your mind? This is a pumpkin!”

“Just do it!”

Lyn raised an eyebrow, opened her mouth to argue, and noticed purple sparks forming in the corner of the room. “Give me that!” Scrambling with panic, she grabbed the hollowed vegetable and yanked it over her head. There was a hollow clunking noise, and then silence. Fresh-smelling, orange-colored silence.

“...Did it work?” Her voice echoed weirdly around the... helmet, of sorts.

“I don’t know. Are you dead?”

She kicked him in the shin, and received a solid thump on the back of the pumpkin in return. “There were purple sparks in the corner... careful, don’t look directly at it.”

Mohan risked a glance towards the ceiling; out of the corner of his eye, a tall black shape meandered aimlessly towards the opposite corner. It paused for a moment, about halfway, and extracted a single cube of material from the floor before continuing. Breathing a sigh of relief, he glanced down at his partner.

“...You’ve got it on backwards.”

The pumpkin swiveled towards his voice. “How can I possibly have it on backwards? It’s a pumpkin, Mohan!”

“I put eye-holes on one side. Here.” He reached down and twirled it by the stem, carefully looking only at the top of the vegetable.

“...Oh.” She surveyed the tall shape. “You know, it's kinda cute, actually...”

Fin
thulcandran: (Default)
Thanks to JulyFlame for the beta.

In which we join the Cafeteria Team (sans Jof) in the midst of a transaction in the Potterverse, gone more-or-less-normally awry.

"Get down! Get down!"


"I can't move the - ARGH!"


"Well, then duck!"


Mohan scrambled to the ground just in time; the missile cleared his scalp by about half an inch. There was a loud thwacking noise behind him, followed by shouted cursing. He leapt up, grabbed the heavy wooden door, and threw all his weight behind it. The door finally slid closed, and amid low swooshing noises, he sank down behind it, safe, for now, in some ornamental hall or other in the Ministry of Magic, with a magnificent balcony overlooking them on either side, and a spiral staircase going directly through the floor and ceiling on the far end of the room.


His partner stood set in some fighter's stance or other, her next missile arcing in steady circles in the makeshift slingshot. There was a mad gleam in her eyes, and he watched warily for a moment to make sure nothing was aimed at him before commenting - in his own shape, he was more than a match for her, but the portal had disguised him as human, and he didn’t trust this body to get him out of deadly, partner-initiated harm.


"I'm reasonably sure that's not on the list of canonical weapons for this 'verse, lethal or otherwise."


The short, maniacal blond grinned at him, her slingshot never slowing. "Ostensibly this series takes place on Earth - therefore, it's a canonical material, so there must be a file for it."


He glowered at her, ignoring the loud, furious mob pounding on the other side of the door, for the moment. "There's no file to explain why a Cafeteria worker had to use a lethal weapon!"


"Circumstances were dire! I had no choice - would you have preferred the alternative? And besides, it's classified as a fruit, not a lethal weapon."


Mohan climbed to his feet, still glaring. "We're going to have to neuralyze them anyway, if we even have a neuralyzer. Since - again, Cafeteria Workers don't exactly get field equipped for combat. And if it's not listed as lethal, it damned well should be, and... are you even listening?"


Abruptly, the twine end of the slingshot was thrust into his hand, and his partner sprinted off, towards the staircase. "Man the slingshot, I'll be back!" she called, over her shoulder.


"But you haven't - damnit, Lyn," he muttered, as she sprinted down the stairs. "Sure, take the rest of the ammunition with you, it's not like I'm holding a mob of angry protesters off with a single door and a fruit." Mohan silently thanked the Powers that they'd had the common sense to leave Jof back at HQ - this could certainly be much, much worse.


There was a loud clinking sound, and the hinges dropped off the door, glowing anvil-hot. He looked at them, swore, and leapt away from the door about half a second before it crashed to the ground amidst a cloud of thick, menacing smoke. A bit awkwardly, he hefted the slingshot and began to whirl it around over his head. With his other hand, he groped blindly for the pocket in his vest that held the wand prop. He had absolutely no experience with the Potterverse, and even if he had, any powers he could've accessed were several dimensions away, but in previous adventures, he and Lyn had discovered that weapons, even useless ones, went a long way to raising respect.


As the smoke cleared, a man in a deep blue robe stepped forward, peering around through very thick gray bangs and even thicker spectacles, and pointing his wand a bit less carefully than Mohan would have liked. "Oi! You there!"


Mohan fought back the rising fear in his throat, concentrating on the heft of his missile, whirling steadily at his side. He adjusted his grip on the stolen wand slightly, and swallowed. Summoning all the languid arrogance his cousin had ever taught him, the agent offered a grin. "You - er, knocked?"


A small crowd began to push through behind the wizard, in robes of various colors, several splattered with a yellowish, custardy flesh that was beginning to smell, even from ten feet off; quite a few of them were looking ill, and he counted three, at least, with what looked like sustained injuries - the thorns still scattered over their robes were a dead giveaway. It would have been funnier, but they were all either glaring directly at him (and his fruit-slingshot), or shouting, and he suspected all of them were moments away from drawing their wands.


"Knocked? Knocked?! You're under arrest, boy! You and that little ruffian, which - where did he go?"


If his hands had been free, he would've probably gone Picard, but being (technically) armed, Mohan held his ground. "We didn't start anything," he replied, his voice steady. "Your receptionists  were tangibly hostile from the beginning."


"Our-- our receptionists? You dare!" The wand hand was quivering, Mohan noticed uneasily.


"Well, yes. From there, it was merely a matter of escalation. You see, my partner was merely attempting to negotiate for food - you didn't leave her much choice but to find an alternative route, and when your guards went after us, we were left with no alternatives whatsoever - really, if you want to be technical, this all could have been avoided if you had any decent procedures in your front desk." He took a breath; the man was beginning to turn an ugly shade of red, and three of the people behind him had also drawn their wands.


"We don't have time for this! I order you to drop your weapon - weapons - and surrender, or you leave us no choice!"


Mohan shook his head. "I'm afraid I cannot do that, sir. Without my partner here to consult, that is a tactical decision to which I simply cannot commit."


"Oh, don't worry about that," the wizard sneered, drawing back his wand. "We're not really giving her a choice, either." With a slashing motion, a spark of red light appeared on the end of his wand, aimed directly at the Agent, who, in a moment of sheer panic, let the durian fly into their midst. The spell caught it about two feet out from their crowd, and he threw an arm up to cover his face as it exploded with a loud 'bang,' showering all and sundry with electrically-charged, strong-smelling goop, and heavy thorns.


"Nice shot, dude!"


It took him a moment to find his partner (the knotted end of the rope smacking him in the face was a dead giveaway). She grinned down at him from the balcony, about fifteen feet overhead. "Lyn! Where were you? We've got troub--"


"I know! Don’t worry about that, just close your eyes!"


Without further warning, she hefted something that resembled an enormous layer cake, with the addition of a biohazard symbol and a fuse, off the balcony, towards the wizards. With an ear-splitting crack, the object exploded into a ball of red light, blindingly bright even with his eyes shut; the wizards collapsed to the floor, in slow motion, and, as he blinked away the spots, his partner grinned at him from her perch atop the railing.


"Catch!" A bag that felt like about thirty pounds of cannon balls slammed him in the chest, and he staggered back a step, lacking the breath to put his curses in full volume.


In short order, they had three enormous bags of pumpkins - just a head shorter than Lyn, actually - on the floor, and all was in order, more or less. He'd even managed to avoid swearing at her!


"So, do we have any durian left?"


...so far. He gave his partner a Look. "If you'd like to wring out their robes before they come to, then we can use what's left of that. Otherwise, no, thank God."


Lyn shrugged and hefted one of the bags. "As per Department Code, I left adequate pay - I think we might even make our budget this month!"


"Payments, you say? Does that include payments for damages to property and person?"


"Bahahaha! Oh, you crack me up, dude. Ready to go?"


Sighing, he flicked the portal activator, and the big purple doorway snapped to. "As long as you're sure that's covered..."


His partner swung the bag over her shoulder and stepped through the portal, calling over her shoulder, "They're wizards, Mohan! Stop worrying and t--"


Mohan shook his head, grabbed the other two bags - surprisingly heavy - and, after a quick and futile attempt to get the splatters off his vest, followed her through the portal.


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